Catalyst
by asylum regular
Summary: It was hardest to be in Central, to see his empty mailbox and the hardly used flat he never lived in for more than one night at a time. It was hard to hear Roy speak over the radio and see his face on newspapers. In small, far flung towns and villages it was wasn't as common for him to hear of anyone named Roy Mustang and he liked it better that way.


Roy was his everything; his purpose, his hopes and dreams, his light at the end of the tunnel (no matter how cheesy it sounded). He loved Roy with every fiber of his being and it just wasn't his fault that he couldn't show it. He wished he could tell Roy that he made his heart skip beats, made his breath catch in his throat, made him want absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. But his pride kept his mouth shut and his brain filled the space with insults.

He wanted the other man to look at him, really look at him. He knew that Roy was still seeing the 12 year old boy that ran around in a red coat with a brother in a suit of armor. He wasn't seeing him; he was seeing his past self. It would only make sense that Roy was his everything and he was Roy's nothing.

He was 21 now. He'd put his days as Fullmetal behind him but he was still Fullmetal in a way. He couldn't stay in one place long before he was itching to go again. He didn't have anything holding him back; Al was in Xing, Winry was working her butt off in Rush Valley, and Roy… Roy hardly even knew he existed anymore.

Some days he missed being able to do alchemy, being able to clap his hands together and fix whatever problems he'd had. It was mostly okay because he had a job where he could still put his knowledge of alchemy to use; it made him feel like he was worth something when everything else in his life made him feel useless.

He had a mailbox back at his flat in Central and he had made sure to give Al the address. It wasn't his problem, he decided, that his brother couldn't stop to write him except on holidays. Except it was his problem. Al had left when they had been 17 and had said to be back in 2 years. It had been more than four and there was still no word in Al's sparse letters of when he was coming back.

He didn't drink to drown his problems, that was Mustang's job. Instead he threw himself into everything he did until he was forced to stop. He'd taken to traveling, never staying in one place more than 2 nights in a row. He brought his work with him and talked to his team when he could get a hold of a phone so he knew what needed to be done. He'd go back to Central at the end of the month to give them the work he'd done before he was off again the next day, sometimes even the same day.

It was hardest to be in Central, to see his empty mailbox and the hardly used flat he never lived in for more than one night at a time. It was hard to hear Roy speak over the radio and see his face on newspapers. In small, far flung towns and villages it was wasn't as common for him to hear of anyone named Roy Mustang and he liked it better that way.

-000-

The only depressing part of his job, he thought wearily, was that it was a government run facility he worked in and that meant he had to report his findings once a year to the higher ups. He ran the lab and it was his job to convince the military oriented pricks that finding non-lethal advances in alchemy was a good idea and that they should continue to fund them. This, of course, meant that he had to stand in a room and speak to the fuhrer, Roy Mustang.

The room did have other occupants but it was really the fuhrer he needed to convince because he was the man putting the approval or disapproval stamp on their funding budget. It wasn't hard to understand, after an hour in a room talking to Roy, that he was shaken and wanted nothing more than to jump on the next train headed out of Central. In fact, that was what he usually did and he would have if Hawkeye hadn't been standing at the train station to escort him back into the heart of the city and into Mustang's office.

He looked at the man behind the desk, wanting to run until all of this was behind him and he could try to get over his feelings for Roy. He sat when Roy gestured for him to do so and watched, fidgeting, as the other simply stared at him.

"You're a very hard man to catch."  
He nearly jumped at the sound of Roy's voice but pride, again, stopped him. "I didn't know you even realized I existed anymore." He bit out, settling the man with a cool glare.  
"I assure you that I'm well aware of your existence and that you seem to be pointedly avoiding me." Roy replied, voice smooth and seeming unperturbed.

Ed was glad that no one else was around because suddenly he felt all the hot air rush out of him and his pride died down and he sat, slumped, looking at Roy sadly. "I've been avoiding you because I can't stand to face you." He explained, eyes lowering to look at his feet.

"Why?" Roy questioned and if he was affected by Ed's sudden change in mood he didn't show it.

He didn't respond, not having an answer he was willing to share with this man; that he was willing to share with anyone. Wasn't it enough that Roy couldn't see the way he'd blindly loved him? It seemed as if everyone but Roy himself knew that Ed had loved-still loved-him. "Why am I here?" He asked, running a hand through his hair tiredly. He'd worn it down today, having been too tired and anxious to deal with it.

It appeared that Roy didn't have an answer for his question either and Ed sighed before standing, turning to go.

"Where are you going?" Roy's voice was sharp, stopping Edward in his tracks.

"To the train station." He wanted to leave, wanted to get away. He wanted to run because he was scared, scared of this man and acutely aware of how much Roy could hurt him.

"Sit back down, Fullmetal."

"That's not my name!" He snapped, turning to face Roy. "I've been running from you for years and then you expect me to stay here and talk to you!" He leveled a glare at Roy. "You calling me Fullmetal is the same as me calling you colonel. That's not you anymore and I'm not Fullmetal. I'm just Edward." He didn't shout like he'd been prone to doing when he was younger, his voice was steady and he watched as the look in Roy's eyes changed. Then he knew that Roy wasn't seeing who had been, he was seeing who he was now.

"Ful-Edward, I didn't mean to offend-" The older man started, rising to stand.

"Offend?" He laughed coldly. "You've been hurting me for years. I thought you were supposed to be smarter than me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Roy was walking towards him, laying a hand on his shoulder.

He pulled away, looking up at Roy with hate beginning to bubble in his stomach. "Don't touch me." He hissed and turned to go. This time, Roy didn't stop him.

-000-

He boarded a train and continued to hop from city to city, town to town. He acted like nothing was wrong. He still did his work on the trains and never stayed in one place for very long. He didn't know how to adjust his life to what had happened and there was no real way around going to central once a month. He lived with it and drowned the feelings that bubbled up in his chest every time someone mentioned Roy.

The only positive thing was that letters from Al were coming more often but he couldn't help the anger that welled up inside him every time he got a letter. Now he was good enough for Al? He'd saved a country, restored his brother's body, and coped with losing his alchemy but somehow that had only dimmed his importance in his brother's eyes. But when he ran from everything like a coward he regained Al's attention.

His whole world was turning upside down and he wondered what had started it all. He'd been happy before, running across the country with his brother but now everything felt wrong and he was drifting without a purpose. He felt like a ghost because it seemed that no one important in his life ever really gave him more than a passing thought.

Maybe it was for the best, though, because he didn't know if he could act happy for them.

He really hoped that this wasn't the beginning; rather that it was the end. He wasn't sure how much more he could take before he broke.


End file.
